you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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