Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
