Your mouth is God's brothel.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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