If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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