hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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