So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
