I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
