the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
