Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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