a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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