You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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