I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
