ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
