I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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