Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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