when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
