theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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