I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
