Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
