I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I know her cup size but not her name....
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
