haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
