hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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