with your own penis?
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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