gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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