just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
