It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
