You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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