:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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