you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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