whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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