If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
