I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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