bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
