I think I died a long time ago.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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