Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
