why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
