so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
