someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
