How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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