Someone shit on the floor
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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