Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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