i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
