I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
