I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
