hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
