I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
