I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
