so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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