Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we're making bets on your personal life
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
