I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
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